Last night we hit the store for our weekly food run. I guess they weren’t expecting too many shoppers at 10pm on a Monday because they were very short handed and only had a few check stands open. Luckily, both Kevin and I are easily entertained while waiting in line. Kevin was mesmerized by the magazine covers and was happily reading about Cindy Crawford’s husband cheating with a college co-ed. Kevin’s response to the story was to ask me why do they call female college students co-eds? I had no answer so I distracted him with the startling headline declaring Martha Steward has a mean side.

Meanwhile, I was people watching. I was casually checking out what the person in front of me was buying and, after she cleared out, turned my attention to the girl behind me. I think you could almost make up a story from what she had on the checkout pad.

1 box of fruit roll-ups (strawberry flavor)
1 generic brand pregnancy test
1 package of Trojan condoms

Talk about groceries speaking louder than words. Ok, the fruit roll-ups weren’t all that revealing. In truth they were being used to cover the other two items but my prying little eyes managed to peer under the Nabisco box.

The way I see it, a pregnancy test itself can go either way. It could be, “oh I hope it’s yes” or a “please God let it be a no.” Sitting by itself on the checkout pad, I figure I have a 50/50 chance of calling it. Usually, if it’s a young woman with no ring, I decide it’s probably a “no” but you never can tell.

But throw down a pack of Trojans next to the test, and it’s pretty clear what’s going on. I’m thinking she was relying on a “no” pretty badly. Probably had a little talk with the Divine power along the lines of….”if you’ll just let me off easy this time, I swear I will be extra careful from here on out.” Kevin, ever the economist, said he would have just bought the test because, if the result was positive, he wouldn’t be out for a pack of now useless Trojans.

Of course, I could be wrong. She could be buying stuff for a sister or mother or friend. I find, though, it’s the people who only buy two or three items that are the most interesting. I mean, you aren’t going to drive to the store and stand in line for one item unless you really need it, right? I think my strangest express purchase was a bottle of wine, duraflame log, and toilet paper. Yup, I sure know how to put together one wild night of romance.

So next time you’re in the express line with a plunger, bottle of Drano, and grapes, look around because odds are pretty good you’ll find me scrutinizing your purchase and wondering, “why grapes?”