I survived paintball. Well, mostly survived. I am currently unable to lift my arms or complete any walking motion without crying out in pain. Thankfully, my tv remote finger was unaffected by the experience. I am hopeful to regain full body function sometime in the future.

I almost didn’t play paintball. We drove for miles into eastern Oregon and ended up on a 30 acre plot of forest. In the dirt parking lot, I took a look at the site and told Kevin to keep on diving. The lot was filled with men in full camouflage. I’m talking boots, pants, shirts, and hats. All carrying black guns and black face masks. This did not look good.

It was quite easy to find our group. We were the only people with a) women and b) normal clothes on. Kat dragged me from the car with the good news that if I played, they’d have enough people for a private game. So I checked in, was issued a gun and ammo belt, and proceeded to the first field.

Now, I used to love playing capture the flag. That’s a great game and so long as you stayed on your side of the field, you were safe. If you did venture to the other side, you were tagged out with a mere touch. Not so with paintball as I quickly learned. Standing still on your side does nothing. This merely makes it easy for someone to run up behind a tree and peg you in the shoulder. Trust me, I have the bruise to show for it.

So the next game, I tried a new tactic. I spent the whole time crouched behind brush, scrambling from mound to mound, and shooting wildly at anything that moved. I hit a lot of leaves that were innocently blowing in the wind and learned my second lesson. If you can’t aim, you’re dead. So when Greg ran past me with the flag, all I could do was shoot wildly around him. I think my closest shot grazed the tree 5 feet above him.

But I kept trying. Unlike capture the flag tag style, there’s a real incentive to try in this game. Once the ref yells go, everything goes crazy. You hear shots fired and the trees around your explode with paint. This inspires you to drop. You then hear someone running toward you yelling “She’s right behind the tree, shot her!” This inspires you to run. You then see someone peeking around a bush. They don’t see you. But they will. This inspires you to shoot them. By the end of the game, I was shaking with adrenaline and laughing my butt off. Getting shot hurt and was a surprise, but it was also fun.

We had a really nice group of guys who didn’t yell at your for being too slow or missing a shot. Everyone played fairly but hard. Even us girls were worth something as Kat (my paintball idol) managed to capture and run the flag home twice. Yours truely never actually saw the flag in any game but they gave me points for trying.

Would I do it again? With the right group, sure. But I think I’ve found the fountain of young single men. So long as you don’t mind dirt, fatigues, and guns that is. My only regret is that I didn’t get to shot Kevin. He made sure to always be on the same team as me. He says he was looking out for me. I think he was afraid I’d hunt him down and riddle him the hot pink paint.

Oh dear, I appear to have lost feeling in my left thigh. I’m going to hobble off now while I still can. Enjoy your Monday!