Kevin brought home a cold last week and it appears he has passed it to me. I’ve got all the symptoms – sore throat, stuffy nose, headache. Normally, when I’m sick, I just sleep and sleep and this always works. Well, I’ve tried explaining this to Leina but so far, I don’t think she understands.

Kevin called the doctor and it turns out I can take Sudafed but, since I’m nursing, one of the side effects will be that it will make Leina sleepy.

Um, hello? Make her sleepy?

Does anyone know of any long term health hazards from taking Sudafed for oh, say, 6 months continuously? If not, I’m thinking forget the nursing vitamins, I’m popping a Sudafed every four hours!

Today was a sad day in the McLaughlin house. Today, I let Leina cry herself to sleep.

Yup, that’s right, I’ve given up and decided to go with the old “cry it out” method. The kid has broken me. I’ve bought every book, tried every technique and she just won’t sleep. Well, that’s not true. She will sleep if I hold and rock her and as much as I love doing that, I just can’t do it any more.

Last night was particularly bad. She woke at 7pm, 9pm, 11pm, 1am, 4am, 6am, and 8am. Then today, she refused to take her first nap. I spent 50 minutes trying to get her to fall asleep and then gave up. Instead, I held and rocked her for an hour. Next, she refused to take her second nap. Again, another 50 minute battle of her crying in the crib while I kept picking her up, soothing her, putting her down just so she’d start to cry again. Exhausted, I resorted to holding and rocking her. By the time her last nap rolled around, I was a wreck. I hadn’t had a chance to change my cloths, eat, or even brush my teeth. I fought with her for 30 minutes in and out of the crib when I just couldn’t do it. So I gently put her down, kissed her little cheek, and left the room.

And then I called my mom.

Yup, I talked to my parents while she cried and cried and cried. She went from 4:40 to 5:20 on and off before she finally fell asleep. It was horrible but at the same time, I was so relieved to be about to eat something and crack my aching shoulders.

So I’ve given in. She’s going to cry. I know, that’s what babies do but I still feel awful. I was so nervous when she woke. I was afraid I’d go to get her and she’d turn her head from me or refuse to look at me after that horrible cry fest. But you know what, when she saw me, she cooed and smiled. Her lashes were wet from crying but aside from that, I couldn’t detect any obvious signs of trauma.

I think the next few weeks are going to be tough on both of us. Sigh. Why can’t this baby thing be easier?!?!

Leina had her first power lunch.

Well, sort of. I met up with my old work girlfriends for lunch on friday and brought mini-me along too. I dressed her extra cute in her pink overalls and frilly pink shirt. We was quite the crowd pleaser. She was also an angel baby. She spent the whole time looking around at everyone, wide eyed and observant. When she had enough, she literally crashed in my arms. She was quite the hit with the waitresses and patrons. Of course, my girlfriends were all shocked when they saw her because they said she looks 100% like Kevin. Grrr. Ah well, I suppose she’ll have to just grow into my good looks later.

It was such fun to see my old friends. At RLPC, all my girls had babies while I worked there. It was a pregnancy epidemic. I was the only one who didn’t succumb. It was a running joke that there was something in the water so I always came to work with my own bottle. My only regret is that there’s a huge age difference between Leina and their children. But I’ve decided I need to start looking for other stay-at-home mommies with kids Leina’s age. She loved getting out and about and I sure do love hanging out with someone who can say more than “cooo”!

Artie thinks I’ve lost my mind.

I was sitting in the rocking chair, nursing Leina and watching a little TV like a typical afternoon. Leina was munching away and slowly falling asleep at the boob. Finally, she lolled off, head thrown back, milk running down her chin, eyes closed and the biggest grin on her face you’ve ever seen. I was watching her and just about to bring her back to conscienceness when it happen.

She laughed.

Not a chuckle or a hiccup, but an honest to god laugh.

I think I scared her because I yelped, started laughing/crying myself and swooped her up and started kissing her uncontrollable. Artie, lying on the sofa, sort of rolled his eyes as if to say, “yup, mom’s officially lost it.”

And you know what, he was right.

She laughed!!!!

I never thought of myself as a selfish person. I thought I was pretty considerate and giving and not too terribly self-centered.

And then I had Leina.

I never realized how much of my day was for my own personal gratification. I never realized how hard it would be to give away everything that was me and to turn my whole life over to another. I never thought it would be so difficult to honestly and truely put myself second. I just never knew.

And then I had Leina.

Now, I can go all day without food or sleep and not really think about it. I’ll sit with the fullest bladder for an hour afraid to move because my daughter is finally asleep and she needs her rest so badly I just can’t wake her. I find myself gazing down at her at 4 am as she nurses and there is no resentment at this interruption of my sleep, no anger or bitterness, just a tired realization that this is what moms do.

I guess that means I’m finally and truely a mother.

And all because of Leina.