We rock – and by “we” I’m using the marital we. This weekend, Kevin and I became plumbers. Not just any plumbers mind you but MASTER plumbers. What? You doubt our claim to the MASTER title? Then see below…..

Last week, Kevin noticed a leak in the shower. After you turned off the water, there was a slow but persistent drip that continued from the head of the shower. We fiddled with the handle and the shower head to no avail. The drip continued to haunt us. Having no experience with plumbing, we decided to call an expert. After three missed appointments, he showed up, looked at the shower and told us that he could fix it. He’d have to cut a whole in the wall and replace a section of pipe and it would cost us $450. Four hundred a fifty dollars!!!! And get this, that didn’t include repairing the hole he cut in the wall. His suggestion was that we hang a picture over the hole if we didn’t want to pay to get it fixed. I don’t think so.

Kevin showed him to the door pretty quickly and we hunkered down to decide what to do next. It took us .00001 seconds to conclude that for $450 dollars, we’d try it ourselves. So we hit the books. Actually, it was Black & Deckers’ Home Projects 2000. For a mere $35 bucks we got a book that showed us not only how to do plumbing , but how to complete another 1999 projects with color photos. How cool is that?

So we flipped to plumbing and learned that we didn’t need to cut into the wall. All we needed to do was replace the O rings and/or cartridge in our shower. That’s right, for a mere .90 cents for new O rings and $8 bucks for a cartridge, we were on our way to a non-leaking shower. With a plan in place we leapt into action. I actually woke up at 9am on a Saturday (and yes, I am ok, no major injuries from the lack of sleep so far) and we started to work. First task, turn off the water.

And then we hit our first road bump. The book said to turn the water off at the “shut off valve”. Right, the shut off valve, and that would be where exactly? It took us an hour and a half to locate the shut off valve in the basement. The problem was, the shut off valve didn’t have a handle so we kept passing by it saying, “that can’t be it, it doesn’t have a handle.” (Duh.) After a lengthy process of elimination, we realized that HAD to be the shut off valve. Closer inspection revealed there was a handle. It was sitting right next to the valve where someone had put it after they had broken it off. That’s right, they had cranked it too hard and snapped the screw that held the handle to the valve. Kevin tried to use a wrench to turn the valve off but we learned why the handle was snapped. The shut off valve didn’t work no matter how hard you cranked.

So the gloves were off. We weren’t going to be stopped by a mere valve. We decided to go to the source. That’s right, we hit the water meter. Actually, I hit the water heater because Kevin was too squeemish to put his hands down into the muck with all the spiders and slugs. I unburied the main valve and Kevin cranked it shut, drained our pipes of water, and began operating on the shower. After a few choice cuss words and a lot of plumber’s grease, we managed to replace the valve. When the water was turned on, there was dead silence in the shower. No drip. We had succeeded!

Since it was 2pm, we decided to take a break and celebrate with lunch. It only took 5 hours and $43.08 (plus miscellaneous wrenches which we won’t count in the total since they can be used in other projects). And that, my friends, is why we are MASTER plumbers.

Oh yah, the plot thickens over at Unemployed Theo. The latest episode is quite the cliffhanger.

Alright, I confess, I’m addicted to Wil Wheaton’s weblog. I don’t know how it started. Everyone else was looking at it and I swear I only peeked to see what all the fuss was about. Before I knew it, I was checking and refreshing every couple of hours. I’m hopeless. But it’s so funny and interesting and he updates it himself all the time. I was never a big Wesley STNG fan but I did like Stand By Me. Listening to what it’s like to be on the otherside of a Star Trek convention is hilarious. If you want a good honest weblog, go to his. But I warned you – it’ll be a habit before you know what hit you…..

I’m having an intellectual dilemma. Maybe you can help.

Is irregardless a word?

If it is, does it mean the same thing as regardless or the opposite?

I’m stumped. It’s been a long Wednesday…..

I feel it’s my duty to pass on what little knowledge I manage to gleam from everyday life. And lately, I’ve been obsessing over my bus riding experiences. These nubbins of knowledge have been gathered slowly over the last two years and I think it’s time I start passing them out.

So here goes, the first rule of bus riding is……..

1) Never sit by a man.

Alright, I can hear the question percolating in your mind. “Why shouldn’t I sit by a man?” you ask me, frowning in confusion. Let me start with a general disclaimer. I’m going to lump all men together into one big category. I realize that there are some decent, courteous men out there and to those three gentlemen, I apologize.

Men do not sit, they sprawl. Next time you are on the bus or sitting in a church pew or even at a ball game, check out how the men around you are sitting. You’ll see they spread out, legs jutting apart at a 45 degree angle, arms thrown over the back of the seat behind them. The average man easily hogs 1.6 seats.

Now, if there is no one sitting next to you, I have no problem with this spread out posture. But when the seating is tight and every seat counts, it can wreak havoc. When I board the bus, I immediately scan for open seats. Outside isle is best if possible. If I see a female siting solo, I make a bee line for that opening. When you sit next to a woman, she will almost always grab her purse, put it in her lap and scooch over to make room for you. After you are seated, she will roll in her shoulders and lean away from you allowing a nice space to form between the two of you. This is true regardless of size. Even larger ladies will do their best to free up as much seat as possible.

If you sit next to a man, the reaction is so markedly different it astounds me. I secretly think that men are trying to be seat hogs in the hopes that you will move somewhere else. It’s the whole, “if I’m a total jerk she’ll go away” ploy that countless boyfriends use to break up with a girl. It worked in highschool so I think they just keep applying it through life.

If I can’t find an open female seat, I have to resign myself to looking for open male seats and the process is always the same. You only have .4 of a seat to sit on because he has thrown his leg and butt over most of your seat so you perch on the edge of the seat smashed up against him. Instead of moving over, he might throw you a dirty look or, my personal favorite, bump you even further off your seat in the hopes he can scare you off. Of course, you are now sticking way out into the isle so every time someone tries to get off the bus you get stepped on.

I have tried may techniques for dealing with these men. I have tried to sit squarely in my seat and push very hard against them. Usually, this pressure is ignored and I just end up with a hairy sweaty leg smashed against me for the ride. I have tried asking if he will move over but usually all I get is a glare and a remark that he can’t move over any more. The only technique I have found to be effective is the cough. If I start hacking uncontrollably in his direction, about 1/3 of the time this will invoke a response… but not always.

Now, I’m not saying this behavior is only on buses. I find it at ball games, airplanes, anywhere seats are strung together. I can not understand why this behavior is tolerated and it obviously is since I see it happening every day of the week. I am still searching for the ultimate attack but so far, nothing I have tried is 100% effective. If anyone out there has developed a good counterstrike to the male seat hog, please let me know.