I feel it’s my duty to pass on what little knowledge I manage to gleam from everyday life. And lately, I’ve been obsessing over my bus riding experiences. These nubbins of knowledge have been gathered slowly over the last two years and I think it’s time I start passing them out.

So here goes, the first rule of bus riding is……..

1) Never sit by a man.

Alright, I can hear the question percolating in your mind. “Why shouldn’t I sit by a man?” you ask me, frowning in confusion. Let me start with a general disclaimer. I’m going to lump all men together into one big category. I realize that there are some decent, courteous men out there and to those three gentlemen, I apologize.

Men do not sit, they sprawl. Next time you are on the bus or sitting in a church pew or even at a ball game, check out how the men around you are sitting. You’ll see they spread out, legs jutting apart at a 45 degree angle, arms thrown over the back of the seat behind them. The average man easily hogs 1.6 seats.

Now, if there is no one sitting next to you, I have no problem with this spread out posture. But when the seating is tight and every seat counts, it can wreak havoc. When I board the bus, I immediately scan for open seats. Outside isle is best if possible. If I see a female siting solo, I make a bee line for that opening. When you sit next to a woman, she will almost always grab her purse, put it in her lap and scooch over to make room for you. After you are seated, she will roll in her shoulders and lean away from you allowing a nice space to form between the two of you. This is true regardless of size. Even larger ladies will do their best to free up as much seat as possible.

If you sit next to a man, the reaction is so markedly different it astounds me. I secretly think that men are trying to be seat hogs in the hopes that you will move somewhere else. It’s the whole, “if I’m a total jerk she’ll go away” ploy that countless boyfriends use to break up with a girl. It worked in highschool so I think they just keep applying it through life.

If I can’t find an open female seat, I have to resign myself to looking for open male seats and the process is always the same. You only have .4 of a seat to sit on because he has thrown his leg and butt over most of your seat so you perch on the edge of the seat smashed up against him. Instead of moving over, he might throw you a dirty look or, my personal favorite, bump you even further off your seat in the hopes he can scare you off. Of course, you are now sticking way out into the isle so every time someone tries to get off the bus you get stepped on.

I have tried may techniques for dealing with these men. I have tried to sit squarely in my seat and push very hard against them. Usually, this pressure is ignored and I just end up with a hairy sweaty leg smashed against me for the ride. I have tried asking if he will move over but usually all I get is a glare and a remark that he can’t move over any more. The only technique I have found to be effective is the cough. If I start hacking uncontrollably in his direction, about 1/3 of the time this will invoke a response… but not always.

Now, I’m not saying this behavior is only on buses. I find it at ball games, airplanes, anywhere seats are strung together. I can not understand why this behavior is tolerated and it obviously is since I see it happening every day of the week. I am still searching for the ultimate attack but so far, nothing I have tried is 100% effective. If anyone out there has developed a good counterstrike to the male seat hog, please let me know.