Kevin just emailed me.
The Volvo blew a fan belt. The gauntlet has been thrown and we refuse to back down. Going to have a strategy session tonight and plan our attacked.
Don’t worry, I’ll keep you updated….
Nervous
I’m a little nervous today for three reasons. Independently, they are cause for only minor alarm but happening together…. Well, lets just say I’m out of un-bitten fingernails.
Factoid #1 – I added Kevin to Schwab.
Now, when you get married, one of the first big hassles is what to do about finances. You each had separate bank accounts, credit cards, and budgeting techniques back when you were a swinging single. After a few rounds of knock-down-drag-out fights about how much to spend where, or who spent more at the craft store vs Home Depot, you eventually settle on some compromise or decide to file for divorce. Our compromise was that I was in charge of all the money. (This makes sense to me as I was always the banker in monopoly and have a recurring dream where I’m rolling around my bed in piles of dollar bills but I digress.) Every week, I give Kevin his $20 fun money and admonish him not to spend it all in one place. Through a complex system of bribes, treats, and punishment, I have managed to wean him off of his credit cards. I had added him to all my accounts and the only account he had not yet gotten his hands on was Schwab.
Now, Schwab is my account. It’s where the big bucks sit and earn interest. You don’t touch Schwab unless it’s for something important. Up until last week, Kevin wasn’t on the account. In fact, Kevin wasn’t allowed within spitting distance of Schwab. If he even looked at it funny, I was on him like Artie on Collin*. That’s right, he couldn’t write a check, use the credit card or hit an ATM without me being there. But in a moment of weakness, I agreed to add him and yesterday the new checks arrived in the mail. Kevin tried to hide it but I saw him break into his greedy-smurf hand rub and I could almost see the pictures of Gforce 3 video cards and radial arm saws dancing through his head.
Factoid #2 – Kevin has a week off.
WaferTech is a 24 hour fab. This means that at every moment of every day there is some poor engineer working. In order to remain fair, the engineers rotate through. This is known as “being on shift.” You work for 12 hours, get off 12 hours, work for 12 hours, and so on. In order to compensate for this awful work schedule, you get a week off of work. So Kevin just finished up his shift and is currently in his week off mode. This consists of a lot of computer playing, surfing ebay for computer parts, and trying to devise ways to break into the Schwab account.
Factoid #3 – Kevin is going to Costco today.
On his days off, Kevin hits Costco because he can go during the day and avoid the massive crowds and actually park within sight of the building. However, since he is on his own, he has no loving wife to restrain him so he usually ends up standing at the car with a cart full of stuff wondering how he’s going to justify spending $300 in an half an hour.
Now, put it all together and you can see why, as I type these words, my hands are shaking with fear. Kevin has been surfing the web, dreaming of all the cool stuff he wants/needs, Kevin has access to Schwab and suddenly has the purchasing power to buy all that cool stuff he wants/need, and Kevin is going to Costco where not only do they sell all the cool stuff but it comes in a 4-pack which, if you break the cost down, means you can get more for less.
I’m debating calling Schwab and reporting my card stolen. I have a feeling, that’s my only hope…
*Collin is a very nice man who came over for dinner last week. Artie, for reasons unknown, decided Collin was a threat to his dominance and spent the whole night humping his leg. We apologized profusely and Collin, gentleman that he is, laughed it off. However, he has kindly refused all other dinner invitations and, well, I don’t blame him.
The Pooka Life
I am a horribly stubborn person. I’m not sure why this is but there are times when I decide to plant my feet in the ground and nothing can move me. And to the poor fool who tries to shove me against my will, I offer my pity.
I went to get a flu shot the other day. The last time I got one of these, I didn’t get sick all winter so I believe it works. Unfortunately, last year there was a major shortage and they were only giving shots to the oldie moldies so I had to suffer through a winter of sniffles. This year, however, I got the notice at work that the flu shot people would be here and the company would pick up the tab. Free flu shot? You don’t have to ask me twice!
So I amble on down to the second floor conference room. There’s a table full of forms and a lady talking on her cell phone. I decide to be nice and wait for her to get off her call. In the meantime, I pick up a form and head to an open chair.
“Excuse me,” she barks, “are you suppose to be here?” She has her hand over her cell phone and is looking at me strangely. Lets see, there’s a big sign out front say FLU SHOTS and I’m wearing business attire. Seemed like a no-brainer to me.
“I’m here for the flu shot.” I reply.
“Well, who are you with?” She snorts at me.
I give her the name of my firm and she walks away yammering on her phone. It appears I have passed some sort of initial test so I fill out the paperwork. One page is a giant disclaimer saying that I’m not allergic and won’t sue them from complications from the flu shot. I sign on the dotted line and move on to the next form. It says….
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FILL OUT THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION TO RECEIVE THE FLU SHOT. Blah blah blah. (Please note that the above phrase was written in big font and at the top of the page.) The rest of the form is a bunch of medical questions. Now, I’m in a hurry so I decide not to fill out the medical form. Everyone else is busily filling out bubbles while I head back up the cell phone lady who then tries to charge me for the flu shot. We go a few rounds and I finally convince her that my firm is paying for it. She then asks me the name of my firm even though I have already told her. I hate people who do this. You know the type who like to make you jump through hoops just to prove they can. She looks into her little binder and low and behold, there is my name on the employee list. At this point, our relationship as gone from bad to worse. I don’t like her and she definitely doesn’t like me. For those of you who aren’t so good with foreshadowing, this is where the stubborn part comes in.
“Did you give me your medical form,” she calls out as I start to leave the room.
“I didn’t fill one out.” I replied shortly.
“I need to have that form before you can get the shot” was her reply, obviously swelling with the power trip of deciding who could proceed to the shot station.
“I don’t give out my medical history except to my doctor,” I quip back to her. Ok, that’s a lie. A bald face lie but she was making me mad. Besides, I was taking a stand for all those people who really didn’t want to divulge their medical past to random strangers for no apparent reason. This was a matter of principal.
“Why don’t you want to fill it out. What’s wrong with you?” She shot right back.
What’s wrong with me? WHAT”S WRONG WITH ME??? By now, all the sounds of bubble scratching has died away and everyone in the room is watching us like we’re a 10 car pile up. I dig in my heels and nothing, I mean nothing, is going to convince me to give this woman my medical history.
“There’s nothing wrong with me, I just don’t give out my medical history” I manage to get out through clenched teeth.
“You have to fill out the form. If you don’t fill out the form, you can’t get the shot” she chants to me with a sneer.
Excuse me??? I HAVE to??? No one tells me what I HAVE to do except my mom and even then there’s at least a 50% chance I’ll ignore her as well. I am not stupid. I can read the form which specifically says the information is optional.
A word of caution, don’t try to BS an attorney. We do this stuff for a living and unless you are either an 1) attorney, 2) politician, or 3)a younger sibling you are out of your league. Some of my friends like to lay the cards right out on the table and launch right into “Listen, I’m an attorney so I know **fill in made up piece of legislation here**. I prefer the sneak attack. Let them think you’re some low level secretary. Sometimes it pays off to be young and female in my profession.
“So I have to fill this out to get a flu shot?” I began to lay the foundation.
“Yes, you do.” She replied without batting an eye. Now who’s lying?
“It’s mandatory?” Always re-ask your question slightly differently. This way, they can’t claim they didn’t understand you the first time.
“Yes, it’s mandatory.” She sneered at me. And then I knew I had her so I went for the kill.
“Well,” I began with a serene smile firmly in place which, in lawyer land, means you are seriously frelled “it says right here…YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FILL OUT THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION TO RECEIVE THE FLU SHOT. So either you are lying to me or the information on this form is wrong.”
I had her and she knew it. I think I heard someone in the back snicker. We stared at each other for a few seconds and then she turned and walked away. I took this to mean I was free to proceed to the flu shot area and did so.
The lady who poked me was very very very nice. I think she was afraid of me.
The Pooka Life
Oh my goodness, too funny. You must go here and read this site.
I think Kevin may need to start a list like this. Some of the stuff we argue about is equally ridiculous. Our latest was a rather heated discussion of who walks the dog more. Not sure why it matters but each of us is convinced we take out Artie the most and will good down fighting on this one. Ah, they joy of being in a relationship….
The Pooka Life
I’m so excited. I just found out that Ab Fab is coming back to Comedy Central. I loved the old Absolutely Fabulous reruns but never dared to hope there would be more on the way!
I must warn you that Eddie and Patsy are, well, horridly shallow. But there is something about them that just cracks me up. I think I got suckered into an AbFab marathon one weekend and spent all day on the couch laughing my butt off. Simply fabu darling!
So make a mental note that next Monday at 9pm the girls are back. I know I’ll be eagerly awaiting their latest adventure. Supposedly, Edina succumbs to the power of Parralox continuing her eternal quest to fight aging. I can’t wait!
The Pooka Life
We have heat.
I know it seems like this blog has turned into some sort of do-it-yourself home repair journal but lately, all our time seems to be spent pulling things apart and putting them back together.
So our dryer quit heating and according to our do-it-yourself manual, this probably means our heating coil is dead.
The dryer repair, however, proved trickier than we thought. Most models have a back panel that you simply remove to locate the heating coils. Ours, however, is an industrial GE dryer built sometime in the 70’s judging from the color. The only removable panel was the front which meant the whole drum had to come out. Oddly enough, it only took us an hour and half to take the thing apart. Sure enough, we had a bad heating coil. Since it was so old, I though we were done for but a re-string kit only set us back $25 bucks and was in stock!! So it’s 12:30 and we’re thinking no problem, we’ll have the puppy up and drying in no time.
It was then we learned a new lesson. Kevin is not allowed to take apart anything without me watching. That’s right, while I was on the phone with Elmo, Kevin pulled apart the dryer. I wasn’t watching or marking the parts in my anal way that I normally do.
The result? Disaster.
It took us SIX HOURS and a whole lot of swearing to get the dryer back together again. First, we plugged it in and nothing – no power. This meant we had to recheck all the wires to make sure they were connected. Then, we had power and heat but no tumble. Kevin had removed the belt but couldn’t figure out how to put it back on. No matter what we tried, we couldn’t get the right tension. In his frustration, he yanked off the door and broke the door safety. You know, it’s that little button that acts as a cut off switch so if you open the dryer door while it’s working it turns off automatically.
I sent Kevin on a walk with the dog and managed to realign the belt but there was no hope for the door sensor. So we did the only thing possible. By-passed the safety and said good enough. Don’t worry, we’re going to replace it. But the need for clean clothes outweighed our safety concerns. We ended up missing the symphony and spend the rest of the night doing laundry and patting ourselves on the back.
We decided to go a little wild and Kev made some strawberry pina coladas to go with our pizza. You know, you basic, wild Saturday night. I think we passed out around 10pm. Home repair is exhausting!