It is with great joy that I can now announce that the Great Poop Watch of 2006 (GPW06) has officially ended.

If you have ever found yourself lying awake at an ungodly hour of the morning wondering just how long it would take a foreign body to pass through the digestive track of an eight month child, you may now sleep in peace. I can say, from experience, that the answer is 96 hours exactly. How do I know this? Gather near my child, and listen as I tell you the tale of the GPW06.

It was a cold February eve. Milk froze in sippy cups and cheeks were chapped quicker than a child could pick all the marshmellows out of her Lucky Charms cereal. The McLaughlin household was in an uproar. A visitor was arriving and the sad excuse for a mother was trying desperately to clean that which had remained unclean for far too long.

The Father was upstairs with the youngest. A sweet child of only eight months. He was trying to put legos back in bins, crayons settled into boxes, and Thomas trains returned to tracks. During his work, he gave his child some “distraction action” in the form of two orange earplugs attached to either end of a blue cord. The happy child began to gum away on the ear plugs and the harried father continued his futile attempt to find a place for an obscene amount of plastic junk. Glancing over at his youngest, he saw a sight that would make any parent’s blood run cold in their veins. His child was still chewing on the earplug cord only the end that dangled from her cooing and drooling mouth was barren. One earplug was gone.

Alarmed, he sprang from his work, casting aside wooden food and plastic pots and began emergency exploration. Alas, his finger found only slobber in the child’s mouth. The wayward earplug was no where to be found. Quickly he scanned around the chubby and cooing infant hoping against hope to find a spongy orange plug strewn about. Alas, his searching was in vain. Scooping up the child, he rushed down the stairs to the Mother who was putting stuffed animals away and trying to explain to her eldest daughter why, exactly, you cannot touch the dog’s pee-pee.

The Mother listened with growing horror as the tale unfolded before her. A quick mouth check by Mom confirmed the Father’s story and the worried parents came to the only possible conclusion. The neon orange earplug had been digested. The chagrined Father was sent upstairs with both children while the distraught Mother called the doctor.

It was 6:30pm on Thursday night and unbeknowst to either parent, the GPW06 had offically begun.

The doctor declared that the plug should re-emerge from the opposite end of injestion within 24 to 48 hours and great attention should be paid to each soiled diaper. Per the doctor’s orders, each poopy diaper was greeted with baited breath. The poop was meticulously sifted for signs of neon orange foam and the infant was fed an amazing amount of prunes. The effect was spectatular. Diaper after diaper after diaper came and yet, no earplug.

Friday faded to Saturday. Saturday to Sunday. Finally, Monday morning dawned cold and clear.

When the morning diaper delivered nothing but poop, the poor Father called and made an appointment with the doctor. When asked what was the nature of the emergency, he swallowed his pride and announce that his daughter had swallowed an earplug. Yes, that’s right, an earplug. After a bit of snickering. a time was secured and a visit proceeded. The doctor examined the happy child and declared that “this too shall pass” and sent mother and daughter home.

The GPW06 continued.

And then…..a passing of gas….a grunt…..a smell.

At exactly 6:38pm Monday, nestled amoungst mounds of smelly prune poop, there lay a glint of orange. Very carefully the poop was seperated and yes! There is was! The vigil was over. The plug was found..

And that is the story of the Great Poop Watch of 2006. I know, it sounds fantastic. Almost too incredible to be true. But it really happened.

How do I know?

Because, my dear readers. I was there. I saw the earplug in the diaper. I tried to take a picture but was told that was too gross so you’ll just have to trust me.

And so my tale ends. Rest easy tonight my friend. You midnight turnings and tossings will be no more. Sooth yourself in the knowledge that in 96 hours, and nine servings of prunes later, an eigth month old child can poop out an ear plug.