I’m in trouble now.

I’ve heard from Felix and he reports that his daughter, Kiera, entered the world on Friday around 11:45pm. Until he called, I could fool myself that I had all the time in the world because Felix and Kathy were my buffers, my litmus test, my spotted owl. So long as they were pre-birth, I didn’t have a care in the world. And what did they do? They went and had their kid.

Can you believe it?

And you KNOW what that means, right? I’m the next (and the last) sitting duck.

Kevin and I have been pretty horrified by our birthing class and learning about how painful birth is and how may things can happen. You don’t just pop the kid out. There’s lots of crying and screaming and tearing that happens first. Gulp. In fact, after our last class, Kevin looked at me and said, “how do you feel about just scheduling a c-section?” Yeah, it was that bad.

So to distract myself from my upcoming ordeal, I’ve decided to throw myself into baby prep mode. I hope by focusing on all the wonderful things that will happen once she’s here, I’ll be able to distract myself from the upcoming delivery. To that end, we’ve started painting the baby room and re-arranging our house to make room for baby. She’ll be here before we know it! (Gulp!)

I’ve found a new product to market and I think it’ll make me rich.

Dog saliva.

Now, hear me out. We’ve taught Artie not to beg at the table. Instead, he lies right under my feet and waits for me to pass down tasty bits during the meal. This is a very handy routine because it eliminates having a barking, whining, poking dog circling the table looking for an easy mark. The down side is that he stays in one position during the entire meal and drools.

If you rememeber the old Tom Hanks movie Turner and Hooch then you have a pretty good idea of what sort of droll potential a big dog has. By the end of the meal, there’s a large lake of dog drool under my feet that I have to navigate. This must be done with the utmost care for two reasons.

First, dog drool has a very long drying time. I’ve actually tested this theory. I’ve placed a smiliar sized pool of water next to the drool and sure enough, after a few minutes the water is gone but the drool remains. I haven’t actually figured out the half life of the drool – it’s kind of similar to the how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll lollypop. You really don’t want to take the time to find out. Sitting on the floor watching drool dry isn’t much fun. Trust me.

Second, dog drool is EXTREMELY slippery. I’m not sure why this is but if I had to categorize it, I’d place it in the same family as boogers rather than water. It has a thick, slimy aspect that’s really quite astounding. If I’m not careful rising from a meal, I’ll find my feet sliding out from under me. Lately, in fact, Kevin has been giving me a hand to steady me as I rise to me feet. This has lead me to think we may need to purchase some of the yellow safety cones janitors use that say “slippery when wet” for liability purposes.

So I figure there must be some industrial use for a slow drying and slippery substance. Maybe an industrial lubricant of some kind? I should probably test Artie’s drool to see how it withstands heat. But I’m thinking I can just place a big old jar under his jowls and make him watch me eat bacon or ribs and before you know it, I’d have few jars for sale.

If anyone’s interested, I’d be more then willing to send them a small sample jar of the stuff. It’s only a matter of time until the offers start rolling in…. I can just feel it!

With only two months to go before Mini-Me makes her big debut, I have discovered the final hurdle of pregnancy.

For the first trimester, I was inflicted with nausea and fatigue which I thought was the worst thing possible. In the second trimester, I began to really miss my coffee, spicy food, and alka seltzer night time medicine and I thought that was a the worst that could happen. Oh no, I was wrong. It wasn’t until this last trimester set in that I was strapped with the most horrific pregnancy related symptom to date.

Dependency.

No, not the adult diapers. I’m talking reliance on others. Now, throughout my life I have been described as stubborn and/or independent. I rely on myself and am quite confident that given enough time, I can complete just about anything. Kevin can attest to this fact as he has arrived home many a day to find that I have tried to undertake some herculean task by myself and have been reduced to a sore and moaning heap on the sofa. Even though to outsiders my philosophy seems a bit pig headed, I personally enjoy it.

So imagine my disgust when I realized that I couldn’t do things anymore. Want to move the sofa across the living room? Not allowed. Need to bring in heavy grocery bags? No way. Need to stay on your feet for more than an hour? Don’t think so.

Oh, I’ve tried to ignore this whole baby thing and carry on usual but my body has sabotaged me. I say… “push, keep going, don’t quit yet!” and it just laughs at me. Next thing I know, I’m on the sofa with a big bottle of water feeling like I ran a marathon.

This whole “asking for help” think is killing me. Get this – I have to wait until Kevin comes home to do simple things like move the furniture so I can vacuum or unload the heavy bags of groceries from the trunk.

I suppose it’s no picnic for Kevin either as he is suddenly cast as my own personal Farm Boy but he’s stuck. Either he moves the furniture or he gets to watch me and my big belly struggle and he knows if JT ever found out that I was trying to move heavy things on my own, he’d be a dead man.

And so, for the next two months, I have been reduced to (shiver) asking for help. Thank goodness the kid’s almost here ’cause I don’t know how long I could suppress my independent streak.

Kat sent me this and I’m ready to sign Kevin up. Especially for Class No.2. Don’t ask.

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY !!
Evening classes for men. Starting this month !!

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. Toilet paper: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Practicuum with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink or dishwasher? Debate among panel of experts.

5. Loss of Virility: Losing the remote control to your significant other. Help line and support groups.

6. Learning how to find things, starting with actually looking (in the right place) instead of turning the house upside down while muttering angrily. Open forum.

7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is NOT harmful to your health. PowerPoint presentation.

8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

10. Living with Adults: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. Getting Over It. Learning to live with being wrong all the time. Individual counselors available.

Kevin isn’t doing so well with the whole birth concept.

We’ve started our delivery class and have listened to several lectures with rather realistic slides. Poor Kevin just can’t take it. He’s pretty squimish in general and the idea of birthing a baby just sends him off the edge. Thank goodness he’s not female.

Personally, I find it rather amusing. You see, when Kevin gets nervous, he gets goofy and starts cracking jokes. Thankfully, he does this quietly under his breath so the whole class doesn’t hear what he’s saying but he’s really quite funny.

I guess for me, this pregnancy has been a reality from day one. Every single day I’m reminded that there’s a Mini-Me on the way and I’ve been very aware of how my body is coping and changing. For Kevin, however, aside from some ultrasound pictures and my big belly, life has remained pretty much normal for him. (Give or take a few mood swings of course!) So in class, when we started talking about all the changes the mom’s body goes through, Kevin is constantly amazed. He’ll look at me and ask, “is that true?” I guess I tend to forget that he can’t feel what I’m feeling so I’m trying to be more vocal about what’s going on. That way, maybe he won’t be too floored when the kid pops out.

Oh yes, we’ve already come up with our own “relaxation techinque”. Instead of massage or deep breaths, Kevin is going to bring the Lord of the Rings and read it to me. That’ll put me to sleep instantaneously and keep Kevin amused all at the same time. Is that a plan or what? According to Kevin, the first thing every child should hear upon entering the world is a nice rich passage from the Lord of the Rings. My husband…. lets just say it was a real fight to convince him NOT to name the child Arawin or some other random elf name.

Yeah, this whole birth is going to be a real three ring circus. I can hardly wait!

The computer room move was a great success. It sure is nice not having to tromp down all those stairs to get to my computer. Let me tell you, I’m not exactly moving too quickly these days. More of a slow plod really. While I don’t have any photos of the new layout – the camera is still DOA – I do have a new baby picture!

Yes, I went for my third ultrasound last week and Mini-Me is doing just fine. She’s a whole 3lbs and in the 60th percentile for weight, length, ect. This time, the photo wasn’t of a scary martian looking baby so I’ll post it here for all to see.

Quite the cute kid, no?

It’s beautiful and sunny out so I’m off to pull weeds and let the dog terrorize the neighbors. (Lucky neighbors!)