Kulia continues her descent into the realm of sleeplessness. She is following in her big sister’s footprints. She awoke last night at 2am and we haven’t been able to get her back to sleep for more than 20 minutes. It is now noon. This means my youngest daughter has been awake and fighting sleep for about 10 hours. When I named her Kulia, which means endurance or to stand firm, I never imagined she’s stake her ground so early in life.

So my mom has been watching me slowly freak out over the last week as Kulia slides from sleeping sweet newborn into overtired and shrieky baby. She says I have to change my mind set and tell myself to think positive. So instead of saying, “I can’t make it through six months of this”, I need to say, “It’s only six months, that isn’t very long.” Easy for her to say, she leaves in two days. I’m the one stuck waking up three times a night for the next six months and dealing with an overtired screaming infant all day long. But, in a way, she is right. I don’t have a choice. Kulia is Kulia. She doesn’t sleep during the day and only sleeps for two or three hours at night. This is just who she is and all the panic attacks and anxiety won’t change her. It will just change me. So I guess for the forseeable future there will be two sleep deprived and crabby people in this house.

Poor Kevin. Poor Leina. They’re going to be stuck with two grumps for quite a while!

Kevin managed to find a moment today and moved the computer into our bedroom so hopefully we will now be able to do things like read email, blog, and surf the web in all our abundant free time. HA!

Kulia is fulfilling her role as unpredicable newborn. Some days she naps for three hours, some days she decides to stay up for five hours straight. Sometimes she goes down for the night at 5pm, sometimes she’s up until 10pm fighting sleep. It’s just so unpredictable it freaks me out. I’d forgotten how crazy-random a newborn is. I’m used to my little Leina Jane who’s as regular as clockwork. I shudder to think I have to go back to the chaos of never being able to plan my day but I guess that’s just reality.

Leina is taking everything in stride. Of course, she has Tutu to spoil her rotten with lots of book reading and outdoor play. The gloves come off on Wed when it will just be good old mom. I have a feeling Leina might have more of a problem sharing me once my reinforcements go back home.

It’s only been three weeks but already it feels like Kulia has been part of our family for a long long time. I know it’s going to go quickly and before I know it she’ll be three months old or six months or a year but right now, each day is a battle in and of itself. So far, so good… but who knows what tomorrow will bring!

No, not two babies. Two adults. Namely, mom and grandma. With Tutu here, I feel invincible. If Kulia is fussy and having a hard time, I can take her into her darkened room and nurse, rock, and love her down to sleep no matter how long it takes because I know Tutu has Leina. If I need a break from fussy newborn-ness, I can hand Kulia off to Tutu and head outside with Leina to explore the wonders of our backyard with a two year old. It’s heavenly. Then, when Kevin comes home at night, there are actually three of us! This means we can cooks, clean, run laundry, and each little girl has her own adult playmate during the whole evening. Heavenly.

The thought, however, of losing Tutu is too much. The other night, Kevin, Tutu and Leina all went to the store leaving me alone with baby sister and the strangest thing happened. Call it hormones or post partum depression or just after birth craziness but I suddenly began to panic. Before I knew it, I was having a full blown panic attack. My heart was racing, my stomach was tight and I was sweating. All over the thought of being alone with Kulia. I was terrified that when she woke up, I wouldn’t be able to care for her. I was convinced she was going to start screaming and I wouldn’t be able to stop it. Irrational, I know, but there it was. I was afraid of my own child.

Of course, she did, in fact, wake up. And I nursed her and loved her and everything was ok. But that gut churning anxiety is still here. Every time I pass a calendar and mentally could how many days of my mom I have left I feel it stir and start to boil. How am I every going to handle all this by myself? How does any mom juggle two kids all day long? When Kulia needs to go down for a nap, who’s going to watch Leina for 30 min while I put down baby sister? If Leina needs help, who’s going to cuddle Kulia while I’m busy? When it’s time to nurse Kulia, who’s going to watch Leina? I’ve run all the possible senarios and there is only one conclusion.

Tutu is going to have to live with us.

Sorry dad, but I need her more than you. Maybe we’ll just fly her back to you for a weekend or two. Or maybe, we’ll just keep her here with her sweet little grand girls. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind one bit!

Today, Kulia is two weeks old. We celebrated by taking her to the doctor where they gave her a shot and drained blood from her heel. Needless to say, she was not very pleased with this celebration.

Her latest stats are: 8lb 8oz and 21 inches long. She is in the 75th percentile for both weight and length but her head is in the measily 25th percentile. Yup, she has her dad’s little noggin.

Kulia is beginning to turn the corner out of newborn land and into infant. Already we are noticing the start of the 5pm fussies. Ick. But this house is much larger and better sound proof so you can escape the screaming for a while. Hopefully, she’ll pass quickly our of this phase and onto cute chubby baby-dom.

Leina still loves Kulia. When I have to change Kulia, Leina will fetch her a diaper and then put her hand on Kulia’s chest and say “it’s ok Kulia, Leina’s gotcha…Leina’s gotcha.” Of course, Kulia still cries like mad but Leina doesn’t seem to mind and will sit by her until she calms down. Do I have a sweet girl or what?

Even though it’s only been two weeks, it feels like Kulia’s been home for months. Then I look at her and she seems so little, I can’t believe she’s already two weeks old. I guess it’s just my sleepy mind playing tricks on me but I can’t decided if time if flying by or barely moving along.

Whoever decided that two kids was managable was lying.

Kulia is a great little newborn. She sleeps well and nurses like a champ. But like all newborns, she gets into that wierd 5pm fussy period where all she wants to do is scream. All she wants is to be held and cuddled for a while. Normally this is not a problem except 5pm is also Leina’s fussy time.

Yesterday, both my girls decided to wake from their naps at the same time in the same mood. Miserable. Even with Tutu we had our hands full. By the time we quieted one down, the other would start crying which would set off the non-crying one. It was crazy! I thought it was tough having one screaming kid on my hands. Let me tell you, having two is near impossible. And forget trying to cook dinner or eating. No sir-e, it’s all babies all the time here.

Crazy, crazy, crazy!

Chrissie was at the lactation nurse today and got to a quick checkup for Kulia.

She’s doing great, new weight: 7 Lbs 8 oz – up 1 oz from the hospital, way to go baby!

Kulia still has some of that post-birth jaundice though and the nurse reccomended the usual little bit o’ sunlight everyday for the next week.

“Does the nurse know what state we live in?” I asked> We’re not due for sunlight until July. Oh well, Kulia will get introduced to the June gloom. This will probably make her love the cold and rain, causing her to settle in Alaska when she’s allowed to the leave the house (at age 25).

7 Lbs 8 oz!