Do you realize there are only 45 days till Christmas? And, if you are like me, you probably have to send many presents by snail mail which means they must be purchased, wrapped and sent much earlier. Add on 8 – 10 shipping days to any items you purchase online and the result? Well, I don’t mean to frighten anyone but according to my calculations, one should have purchased all online gifts no later than December 4th. Assume the worst – 10 days shipping – and they arrive to your house on December 14th. Give yourself three days to wrap and address them and you’ll have them in the mail on December 17th which probably means they’ll arrive in time for Christmas.

Hello? December 4th? That’s right around the corner people!

With this in mind, I have already begun my quest for Christmas presents. Usually, my gift buying routine was to wake up early Saturday morning sometime in December and head for the nearest mall where I would spend all day buying stuff. Anything that looked good really without trying to match it any particular person. Then, when I got home I’d divide up the loot depending on who I though would like what. Your basic shotgun approach. It worked pretty well really. But this year, I can do things a bit differently. I now have the time to actually plan my gifts and, more importantly, I can hit the mall on, say, Tuesday at 10am which should allow me to park within view of the stores instead of ending up miles and miles away in parking lot hell. I’m very excited. Finally, a Christmas when I can relax and enjoy the season. I’m seeing quite a bit of eggnog in my future! So if you have any special requests for your present this year, please email me no later than Dec. 4th. Otherwise, yur gettin whatcha gettin.

Over the summer I got to attend the WaferTech open house and finally see exactly where Kevin works. It was nice to finally find out what a tool looked like, how big a pod of wafers really are and see the cubicle bay that Kevin calls home. Very Dilbertesque.

One thing I did note, however, was the lack of personal touches in Kev’s cube. His desk was covered in binders, paperwork and general clutter. Aside from the nameplate velcored to the side, there was no indication that Kevin lived there. No pictures, no doodles, or any non-work related goodies. So that first thing I did, upon returning back home, was dig up an old picture of the two of use back in San Diego, stick it in a frame, and instructed Kevin to put it on his desk pronto.

Kevin has reported back that the photo was instantly commented on by his co-workers and most comments were positive. Except for one.

Now, there is a very fine line between funny and mean. My own personal distinction is that I never make fun of something that’s true. It just never comes out funny. Unfortunately for Kevin, there’s one guy he knows who has no qualms about crossing that true/funny line. I guess he saw the old picture of Kevin and said, “Wow, and I thought I was the only one at WaferTech losing my hair!”

Ouch. Poor Kevin. I have told him that hair isn’t that important to me. For me, it’s all about the dimple. So long as he’s still got the dimple, he’s got me. The flip side is that if that dimple every goes, I’m outta here!

So the lesson of the day is don’t make bald jokes to people who are losing their hair. It just isn’t funny. Don’t believe me? Ask poor little Kevin.

I think I might be bi-polar. Well, actually, I think I’m mono-polar if that’s possible.

I was watching tv last night and in between the political ads there was this commercial for some bi-polar drug. It showed this woman who fluctuates between severe depression and wild activity. At one point, the ad says something like…”that crazy up all night working you….” and it shows this woman frantically painting during what appears to be the middle of the night. I’m thinking this image was suppose to invoke a reaction of “wow, that’s a crazy thing to do.” But instead, I found myself thinking, “so what’s so wrong with that?!?!”

This is why I think I’m mono-polar. I don’t have any severe depression, but I do have the crazy-maniacal- go till you drop dead- approach to tasks. I’m quite sure that Kevin believes I need some sort of medication. He asked me the other night as I lay awake in bed plotting my tasks for the next day, “why do you have to do all of that tomorrow?” And you know, I was speechless. Some crazy part of me loves making long lists of tasks, running from A to B to C, and sweating until it hurts. Kevin thinks I’m absolutely certifiable. But I just can’t help myself.

Really, it all comes down to Disneyland. (Yeah, I’m sure your could figure that leap out, right?) Many moons ago, way back in the early 90’s, my dad and I took Kevin to Disneyland. He hadn’t been since he was a kid and he was so excited to see the Magic Kingdom. Only problem was, I wouldn’t let him. He wanted to wander around going on the lame rides like the underwater submarine and the tea cups. I just rolled my eyes and told him no way – those rides sucked. Instead, we ran (I’m not kidding – we actually ran) from big ride to big ride with no pausing for anything like bathroom breaks or electrical parades. No sirree, we had a plan and we were sticking to it. This is how I was raised to do Disneyland – at a dead run.

So you see, I don’t feel too bad about my crazy behavior. Kevin knew, well before that fateful walk down the aisle, all about by mono-polar behavior so I don’t pay much attention to him when he starts complaining that he needs to rest.

Right now, I’m in between projects so Kevin is happy but I figure it’s only a matter of time before my mono-polar disorder kicks into gear. I can hardly wait!

Today I’m going to impart to you my wisdom on how to have a happy marriage. I can do this with two simple words.

Separate bathrooms.

“Huh?” you say. Just bare with me on this one.

Our little house has two full baths. One on the main floor and one deep below in the basement. The main floor bathroom is my domain and is used by most guests. The basement bath is the exclusive territory of Kevin and this innocent division of toilets has become one of the bed rocks of our happy lives. My bathroom has perfumes, lotions, nail polish and cute pictures. Kevin’s has dirt, deodorant, dirt, rusty shaving implements, and more dirt. My bathroom receives a weekly scrubbing and vacuuming. Kevin’s bathroom gets cleaned only when a VIP comes to our house – aka a mother.

Yes, the only time Kevin will clean his bathroom is when a mother enters our little home. Then, and only then, Kevin breaks out the cleaning supplies. Now, Kevin is a very rare being. He actually believes infomercials. For this reason, he has purchased every known wonder cleaning supply known to man. Out You Scum, Zap, Oxiclean, you name it. Basically, any infomercial that touts the phrase “cleans without scrubbing”, Kevin’ll buy it. And then, poor boy, he learns the horrible truth. If you don’t clean the shower for over three months, no amount of magical solution will whisk away the dirt.

This weekend, Kev’s mom came down which meant it was time for the bi-yearly cleaning of Kevin’s bathroom. After about two hours, I decided to go downstairs and investigate how things were proceeding. This is what I found. Notice the nice line of bottles on the top of the toilet. Those would be the wonder products he’s colleted over the years. Poor little Kevin had tried every combination of magic cleaning solutions and nothing was working. I took pity on him and helped him with the scrubbing during which time he vowed to clean every week. I’ll be honest, it was pretty gross. I’m hoping that he’s true to his word and begins to clean a little more frequently. Even a monthly scrub down would be a major improvement.

So if you ever come visit us and are feeling brave, go sneak downstairs and peek into Kevin’s bathroom. If it’s nice and shiney and clean, you’re a very special guest and should feel touched. If, however, it’s a dark and scary place, back away very very slowly and don’t turn you back to the shower until you have reached the stairs. At that point, it’s safe to start running.

Separate bathrooms. It’s a good thing.

So here, at last, is the long awaited picture of the finished floor. Now tell me, isn’t that totally awesome?!?! And it only took a month. We have just finished moving everything back into place and are still adjusting to the slipping and sliding now that we have lost carpet traction. The animals, in particular, are still confused and spend a lot of time sliding into walls and furniture. Very amusing.

Last night I forced Kevin to carve pumpkins. For those of you who don’t know, Kevin is a class “A” grouch. He is the ultimate Bah Humbug person. You have to practically drag him, kicking and screaming, into most projects but once you get him started, it’s like a kid in a candy store.

When I announced we were carving pumpkins, the mumbling began. “I don’t wanna carve any stupid pumpkins. I worked all day, why do I have to do it? This is stupid. Grrrrr.” So I sent him on a walk with Artie and proceed to gut the pumpkins and get all those yummy seeds out. When Kevin returned, I sat him down at the table with a knife and a big pumpkin. Guess what? After five minutes he was laughing like a kid. I think he had forgotten how much fun carving a pumpkin can be. It got even better when I suggested he use his Dremmle to cut out his design. Power tools! Now that set his eyes glowing.

So here are the results. Mine are the three baby pumpkins and Kevin’s is the big scary one. Not too bad, eh?

Still working on the floor. Actually, the floor is done and now we’re redoing the molding. If all the stars align, we may actually finish this weekend and I can get on with my life. Kevin is so tired of seeing me in the same clothes. Since I thought this little project would only take a few days, I pulled four outfits out of my closet before we piled a ton of furniture in front of it. So basically, I’ve been wearing the same shorts for about, oh, two weeks. Luckily, Mother Nature has decided to extend summer here in Portland so it’s been in the mid-70’s and beautiful so I don’t look like a total dork wearing shorts in 50 degree weather.

But soon, very soon, I expect to return to my regular daily postings and (more importantly) a rejuvenated wardrobe!