I have decided that my house is situated on some strange time warp field. This field appears to be particularly active on weekday mornings between the hours of 7-8am. If you are not careful, you will find yourself sucked into this deadly distortion and brutally victimized by its effect.<\/p>\n
This morning, both Kevin and I were victims of said field.<\/p>\n
I know this because at 7:45am, we were both in separate rooms, looked at the nearest clock and yelled, \u201cGhaaaak! Look at the time, I\u2019m late, I\u2019m late! How did this happen????\u201d Now that I am here at work, contemplatively sipping my coffee and eating my sesame seed bagel, it is obvious. We were clearly struck by a massive time warp field this morning. Really, we didn\u2019t stand a chance.<\/p>\n
It goes something like this.<\/p>\n
The alarm goes off and you peer over your pillow (squinting if you don\u2019t have perfect vision and are too spineless for LASIK). The little evil black box is flashing 7am and you think, \u201cjust 5 more minutes, then I\u2019ll get up.\u201d Unbeknownst to you, a massive time distortion field is forming around your bed and you won\u2019t realize it until it\u2019s too late.<\/p>\n
\u201cTraffic and weather every ten minutes on the 5, 15, 25, 35, 45, and 55 past the hour. It\u2019s 7:25 and here is Steve Nelson with the traffic.\u201d Some part of your bleary, barely functioning brain begins to listen to what I-5 North is looking like and then it hits you. 7:25!!! You bolt upright, grab your glasses and realize your five minutes have stretched into twenty. \u201cGhaaak! We\u2019re late!\u201d you yell, elbowing your spouse and kicking the dog in the face. \u201cSorry Artie, but momma overslept.\u201d Both of your stumble out of bed and into the closet where, in your frantic state, your select a black skirt and navy blue hose. It isn\u2019t until you get down stairs in the sunlight that you realize your mistake. Of course, by now it\u2019s past 7:30 so you grab what you hope are a pair of black hose with no runs and stuff them in your purse. A quick trip to the bathroom and you emerge groomed and clean by 7:40. Now, you are ahead of the curve and this is where the time warp really sinks you. That early warp was just a warm up really.<\/p>\n
You see your spouse stumble by wearing a yellow shirt, tan pants and black shoes but figure a) he\u2019s a guy and b) he\u2019s an engineer and decide to let him leave looking like a fashion disaster. After you get him out the door, you realize you have 5 minutes before you have to go and so you slow down.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s like a bad horror movie.<\/p>\n
There you are breathing a sigh of relief as you casually gather your purse and lunch together while right above you is hovering a huge time distortion cloud. If you listen very carefully, you can hear the kids in the back of the theater yelling \u201cNoooooo! Don\u2019t slow down, run, run you stupid girl!\u201d Silently, deadly, the time field drops over you as you open your shoe closet.<\/p>\n
\u201cLets see, I could wear the navy and match the hose but I\u2019m going to change them so I probably want black. Looks like rain so no open toed shoes. Those heels hurt last time but I am wearing a skirt so maybe something with a little height….\u201d You dig around blissfully, trying on this pair and that when you hear, vaguely, from the bedroom……<\/p>\n
\u201cTraffic and weather every ten minutes at the 5, 15, 25, 35, 45, and 55 past the hour. It\u2019s 7:55 and here\u2019s….\u201d You look up, frantic, and shake off the gossamer tendrils of that sneaky time cloud and a strangled \u201cAckleryp\u201d emerges. You shove your feet into your tennis shoes \u2018cause you\u2019re going to have to run now. Throwing yourself into your car, you run every yellow light to the park and ride, and sprint over the bridge to the commuter platform where you just manage to squeeze through the last door on the 8:01am MAX train before it leaves the station. Exhausted but relieved, you slump into the nearest seat only to realize two things.<\/p>\n
1. You forgot to grab a pair of shoes and will be stuck wearing your ratty old tennis shoes all day.
\n2. Your purse, replacement hose, lunch and all your money is sitting on the kitchen table and you will have to borrow a few bucks from your co-workers. Again.<\/p>\n
I have yet to find a way to beat this time warp in my house but I have discovered how to mitigate the side effects once I am outside of its range. You see, I keep a pair of black hoes, black shoes, extra money, one whole work outfit. hair brush, tooth brush and toothpaste, and one frozen lunch here at work so when I arrive haggard and mismatched, I can collect myself quietly in the women\u2019s bathroom and emerge (half and hour to an hour later depending on the severity of the morning time warp field) ready to face the day.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m thinking we may need the help of a professional exorcist at home. I mean, clearly, it\u2019s not our fault. There\u2019s just some strange supernatural force working against us. Thank goodness they do the traffic and weather every ten minutes on the 5, 15, 25, 35, 45, and 55 past the hour!\u00a0,<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have decided that my house is situated on some strange time warp field. This field appears to be particularly active on weekday mornings between the hours of 7-8am. If you are not careful, you will find yourself sucked into this deadly distortion and brutally victimized by its effect. This morning, both Kevin and I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-237","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-chrissie"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2Kqhb-3P","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chrissierocks.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/237","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chrissierocks.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chrissierocks.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chrissierocks.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chrissierocks.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=237"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.chrissierocks.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/237\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1270,"href":"https:\/\/www.chrissierocks.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/237\/revisions\/1270"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chrissierocks.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=237"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chrissierocks.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=237"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chrissierocks.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=237"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}