I have decided that my house is situated on some strange time warp field. This field appears to be particularly active on weekday mornings between the hours of 7-8am. If you are not careful, you will find yourself sucked into this deadly distortion and brutally victimized by its effect.
This morning, both Kevin and I were victims of said field.
I know this because at 7:45am, we were both in separate rooms, looked at the nearest clock and yelled, “Ghaaaak! Look at the time, I’m late, I’m late! How did this happen????” Now that I am here at work, contemplatively sipping my coffee and eating my sesame seed bagel, it is obvious. We were clearly struck by a massive time warp field this morning. Really, we didn’t stand a chance.
It goes something like this.
The alarm goes off and you peer over your pillow (squinting if you don’t have perfect vision and are too spineless for LASIK). The little evil black box is flashing 7am and you think, “just 5 more minutes, then I’ll get up.” Unbeknownst to you, a massive time distortion field is forming around your bed and you won’t realize it until it’s too late.
“Traffic and weather every ten minutes on the 5, 15, 25, 35, 45, and 55 past the hour. It’s 7:25 and here is Steve Nelson with the traffic.” Some part of your bleary, barely functioning brain begins to listen to what I-5 North is looking like and then it hits you. 7:25!!! You bolt upright, grab your glasses and realize your five minutes have stretched into twenty. “Ghaaak! We’re late!” you yell, elbowing your spouse and kicking the dog in the face. “Sorry Artie, but momma overslept.” Both of your stumble out of bed and into the closet where, in your frantic state, your select a black skirt and navy blue hose. It isn’t until you get down stairs in the sunlight that you realize your mistake. Of course, by now it’s past 7:30 so you grab what you hope are a pair of black hose with no runs and stuff them in your purse. A quick trip to the bathroom and you emerge groomed and clean by 7:40. Now, you are ahead of the curve and this is where the time warp really sinks you. That early warp was just a warm up really.
You see your spouse stumble by wearing a yellow shirt, tan pants and black shoes but figure a) he’s a guy and b) he’s an engineer and decide to let him leave looking like a fashion disaster. After you get him out the door, you realize you have 5 minutes before you have to go and so you slow down.
It’s like a bad horror movie.
There you are breathing a sigh of relief as you casually gather your purse and lunch together while right above you is hovering a huge time distortion cloud. If you listen very carefully, you can hear the kids in the back of the theater yelling “Noooooo! Don’t slow down, run, run you stupid girl!” Silently, deadly, the time field drops over you as you open your shoe closet.
“Lets see, I could wear the navy and match the hose but I’m going to change them so I probably want black. Looks like rain so no open toed shoes. Those heels hurt last time but I am wearing a skirt so maybe something with a little height....” You dig around blissfully, trying on this pair and that when you hear, vaguely, from the bedroom......
“Traffic and weather every ten minutes at the 5, 15, 25, 35, 45, and 55 past the hour. It’s 7:55 and here’s....” You look up, frantic, and shake off the gossamer tendrils of that sneaky time cloud and a strangled “Ackleryp” emerges. You shove your feet into your tennis shoes ‘cause you’re going to have to run now. Throwing yourself into your car, you run every yellow light to the park and ride, and sprint over the bridge to the commuter platform where you just manage to squeeze through the last door on the 8:01am MAX train before it leaves the station. Exhausted but relieved, you slump into the nearest seat only to realize two things.
1. You forgot to grab a pair of shoes and will be stuck wearing your ratty old tennis shoes all day.
2. Your purse, replacement hose, lunch and all your money is sitting on the kitchen table and you will have to borrow a few bucks from your co-workers. Again.
I have yet to find a way to beat this time warp in my house but I have discovered how to mitigate the side effects once I am outside of its range. You see, I keep a pair of black hoes, black shoes, extra money, one whole work outfit. hair brush, tooth brush and toothpaste, and one frozen lunch here at work so when I arrive haggard and mismatched, I can collect myself quietly in the women’s bathroom and emerge (half and hour to an hour later depending on the severity of the morning time warp field) ready to face the day.
I’m thinking we may need the help of a professional exorcist at home. I mean, clearly, it’s not our fault. There’s just some strange supernatural force working against us. Thank goodness they do the traffic and weather every ten minutes on the 5, 15, 25, 35, 45, and 55 past the hour!